Pre-post note #1: Ugh. It happened again.
Pre-post note #2: This post is about my never-ending feud with the titular freaks, otherwise known as cockroaches. I’ve encountered these assholes on three occasions in my Bangkok condo, and this post is a result of encounter number two, a few days before Christmas. However, the post never got published and sadly ended up in development limbo. Until today, just now, after encounter number three.
A few weeks ago, I was out for a business dinner and had a few drinks. This little detail will prove vital later in this post. I came home, headed to the bathroom to shower and brush my teeth before going to bed, and decided to give my teeth top priority.
Now, I didn’t wanna wake up my girlfriend, so I had to leave the lights off. Why couldn’t I turn the lights on, you might ask? Well, our bathroom is surrounded by glass walls, with a large part of the walls being frosted. So, if I turn on the lights in the bathroom, it would light up the entire bedroom as well, and wake her up, since the bedroom and bathroom are wall-to-wall.
Luckily for me, one of the walls in the bedroom is entirely made out of windows, so the neighbouring sky-skrapers and their neon lights were more than enough for me to brush my teeth. While I’m making my dentist proud, I see something very unpleasant crawling in my peripheral vision.
It’s a roach.
A hideous, disgusting, creepy-looking roach, all up in my space, zig-zagging on the bathroom countertop.
This was encounter number two.
I’m not afraid of roaches – or other large, intruding insects for that matter – but I sure as hell don’t like them, and I definitely don’t approve of their presence in my home.
I kinda have a GTFO-type of approach to these foul creatures.
When I was living in Guangzhou, China a few years ago, I was having loads of them in my room (which I shared with a Chinese-North Korean dude) and got kinda used to their presence.
This was back in 2011, I was there for five months, and my rent was 300 RMB (Chinese Yuan) per month, which would be 45 USD per month in today’s currency equivalent. Ridiculously cheap, I know, but there wasn’t anything luxurious about the place, and it was evidently crawling with roaches.
Very often, I’d be standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth or taking a shower, and I’d see a complete family of roaches somehow squeeze their exoskeleton bodies through the smallest cracks imaginable in the walls. Then they’d stare at me for a while, make me feel like I was bothering them, silently judge my naked, showering body, and then squeeze their asses back inside the wall. After a while, both parties would sigh in defeat and greet each other with a casual “Zup?” and continue to go on with our lives.
Other times, I would open one of my drawers where I had my cash and other valuables, and I would find another sweet family of roaches lurking there. Apparently, they had been sleeping, and I happened to wake them up. They’d freak out and I would then close the drawer to give them some space, wait for a few moments, and then open it to now find it empty.
The point I’m miserably trying to make here is that I wasn’t freaked out so much about their presence back then, since I saw them so often. Here in Bangkok, they visit me more sporadically, catching me by surprise every time. I’ll tell you more about my amazing time in China in a future post.
So there I was, brushing my teeth, and there it was, looking me dead in the eye, violating its rights. I, feeling very confident after having a few drinks earlier, seized the opportunity by taking some paper and scooped his ass up, and flushed him down the toilet. I would never have the balls to take him with my hands had I not been a little tipsy. I know I’m lame, but that’s the truth.
The last time a roach invaded our apartment – encounter number one – I used the vacuum cleaner to get rid of the creep. This particular vacuum has no paper bags that need to be changed, but instead has one of those boxes that you just take out and empty. Very convenient. At least until I went to the garbage room in the corridor, opened the big trash can, took out the box and opened the lid, turned it upside down, prepared to shake the intruder out of the box, only to catastrophically fucking drop the box down to the bottom of the filthy, disgusting, now roach-infested trash can.
I was already sweating like I’m in a sauna, but this horrible turn of events took it to the next level. After I summoned a little drunken courage, I managed to retrieve my box from the bottom of the trash can and headed back into my condo and took one of the longest, most thorough showers anyone has ever taken.
Encounter number three, just 30 stressful minutes ago, was very similar to post-provoking encounter number two, but with the outcome of encounter number one. This was the biggest fucker by far.
Today I did a little research (just like I did that other time a roach decided to say hello to me). Once again, I discovered that one roach is almost always evidence that there’s anything from 100 to 1000 more roaches lurking inside the pipes, in the walls, or elsewhere in the vicinity. This is incredibly upsetting.
Since I’m a dumbass, I decided to google roach infestation, which is one of my most moronic ideas ever. Since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll just leave a link to these horrifying images instead of posting an actual image here. Happy New Year from me.
Speaking of bugs and their level of disgustingness, I can’t help to wonder why almost everyone on this planet think they are repulsive. I could understand why people are afraid of snakes and spiders, since they are potentially poisonous and lethal, but roaches? Sure, a cockroach doesn’t look very appealing, and, yes, it can carry diseases (but not necessarily), but I’d bet that it is more afraid of me than I am of it. Still, it’s super-icky to approach them, touch them or even look at them. But why is that so?
Could it be that, earlier on our evolutionary road, we didn’t have the proper knowledge to separate a potentially lethal bug from a harmless one, and we developed this “fear” in order to avoid all kinds of bugs to avoid getting bit and die?
Sounds logical enough for me.
They Didn’t Get the Memo
Also, roaches, along with spiders, houseflies and other annoying beings, apparently haven’t got the memo that conveyed that humans are atop of the food chain, and that we are to be avoided, for the sake of everyone involved. I don’t have to freak out and they don’t have to die horrible deaths.
Another thought regarding these terrible creatures – imagine if you could make a roach large enough to be five meters long and three meters high, instead of five centimeters long and three centimeters high. What would you get? You wouldn’t get a terrifyingly large roach, no, you would get an actual monster. The same can’t be said if you’d do the same with a dog. It’d still be a dog, only large.
In a total dick move, I’m gonna end this post with some disturbing facts about roaches I found in my research; facts you’d probably be better off without knowing:
Roaches can live without their heads for about five weeks;
they can endure droughts and starvation;
they can take about 4x radiation as humans can (lethal doses);
and they can of course loose all limbs and still live on.
I need to have a serious talk with the guy who invented these fuckers.
By the way, Norway left Bangkok for Norway over the Holidays, and had given me the keys to his apartment. I guess he figured I could check on it while he’s away, but now, in an insanely unpredictable plot twist, knowing a shit-load about roaches, I might go all scumbag and casually throw in a Big Mac and a half-eaten apple in his bed, to attract some oily, antennae-wearing visitors.
But, no, I could never do that to another person.
Or… could I?