WordPress is Nice, Gmail is a Two-Faced Douche

Good morning, taxpayers and tax-avoiders.

I just woke up from a drunken night’s sleep, which for me means eerily vivid dreams. As always, to see what’s up and to be in the know, I automatically reached for my phone the first thing I did, like it was a primal instinct. I think my phone was in my hand before I’d even opened my eyes.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing certain notifications from certain apps when I browse what’s happened while I spent a third of my day asleep, being vulnerable to predators and a playground for roaches.

There are some apps that make me happy when I see a notification, and then there are some that make me ache. When the ache-producing apps send me notifications, I impressively sigh and grunt simultaneously, before I casually swipe them away, out of existence, out of my world, to hell.

What if you could do that in real life, just swipe away things you don’t want to deal with? But maybe that’d be like dealing with things like an ostrich, drilling his silly head down the sand, thinking he’s invisible. Instead, his head is covered in sand, his ears, mouth, nose and eyes, too, probably, and his ass is vulnerable as fuck. Not ideal.

So when I saw that WordPress had sent me a few notifications – new likes, new followers, new comments – I became very excited and, in my mind, jumped around in circles, giggling. My blog is still small, and I don’t really care about having lots and lots of followers, but it’s still nice to see some action and growth.

Other apps that fill me with various amounts of joy include, but are not limited to: Instagram, Clash of Clans (I know, I know…), and Podcast Addict. I’m not especially active on Instagram, so whenever I see a notification, it means something specific and presumably interesting has happened, which is always nice.

Gmail is too much of an inconsistent dick to make the Apps I Enjoy list, because its content is too mixed with shit I don’t want to read when I turn off my brain and try to relax. Like work emails, like newsletters from Investopedia, like spam. Oh, and recently I’ve seen a strange and sudden increase in Nigeria letters in my inbox, mingling with my other emails, polluting them with their presence. Sorry, Gmail.


My drunken eerily vidid dream I had was a result of a night out with the girlfriend and Norway. There was beer, there was wine, there was the dreadful Vodka.

Alcohol always makes me dream strange, silly and incredibly real dreams.

In today’s edition, I got kicked in the face by a large moose and miraculously managed to keep all my teeth. However, I did walk around for the entire remaining time in this strange, silly and incredibly real dream with a moose’s footprint on my face, which was amusing to my dream-friends. After making sure my face had survived – in an insane and totally unpredictable turn of events – we all went for chocolate donuts in a donut shop that for reasons unknown was in the middle of nowhere, just next door to a moose-infested forest.

It was nice to be able to enjoy those delicious treats with all my teeth still in my mouth.


4 thoughts on “WordPress is Nice, Gmail is a Two-Faced Douche

  1. I hate logging in to gmail, only to find most of those lovely new messages are spam. It is nice to get feedback from the blog though, even if it is just a brief comment of encouragement like, ‘Well done, this didn’t suck quite as much as usual.’

    I think every moose-infested forest should have a donut shop close by. It makes perfect sense when you consider that a kick to the face from a fully-grown moose could cause a concussion and the best thing to do in the event of a concussion is to eat lots of chocolate donuts. At least that’s what my doctor told me, and Doctor Duncan Donuts never lies..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha! The compliments that say “you don’t suck as much today as usually always do” is always nice to receive.

      Doctor Duncan Donuts… I bet there actually is a doctor somewhere with maybe not that exact name, but something very similar, that has a weak spot for donuts.

      I’d shake his hand.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s amazing the number of temporarily down-on-their-luck Nigerian princes you find online. I understand your not wanting to send them money, but perhaps you could help them out with a couple of face-kicking dream moose instead.


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