WordPress is Nice, Gmail is a Two-Faced Douche

Good morning, taxpayers and tax-avoiders.

I just woke up from a drunken night’s sleep, which for me means eerily vivid dreams. As always, to see what’s up and to be in the know, I automatically reached for my phone the first thing I did, like it was a primal instinct. I think my phone was in my hand before I’d even opened my eyes.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing certain notifications from certain apps when I browse what’s happened while I spent a third of my day asleep, being vulnerable to predators and a playground for roaches.

There are some apps that make me happy when I see a notification, and then there are some that make me ache. When the ache-producing apps send me notifications, I impressively sigh and grunt simultaneously, before I casually swipe them away, out of existence, out of my world, to hell.

What if you could do that in real life, just swipe away things you don’t want to deal with? But maybe that’d be like dealing with things like an ostrich, drilling his silly head down the sand, thinking he’s invisible. Instead, his head is covered in sand, his ears, mouth, nose and eyes, too, probably, and his ass is vulnerable as fuck. Not ideal.

So when I saw that WordPress had sent me a few notifications – new likes, new followers, new comments – I became very excited and, in my mind, jumped around in circles, giggling. My blog is still small, and I don’t really care about having lots and lots of followers, but it’s still nice to see some action and growth.

Other apps that fill me with various amounts of joy include, but are not limited to: Instagram, Clash of Clans (I know, I know…), and Podcast Addict. I’m not especially active on Instagram, so whenever I see a notification, it means something specific and presumably interesting has happened, which is always nice.

Gmail is too much of an inconsistent dick to make the Apps I Enjoy list, because its content is too mixed with shit I don’t want to read when I turn off my brain and try to relax. Like work emails, like newsletters from Investopedia, like spam. Oh, and recently I’ve seen a strange and sudden increase in Nigeria letters in my inbox, mingling with my other emails, polluting them with their presence. Sorry, Gmail.

                     

My drunken eerily vidid dream I had was a result of a night out with the girlfriend and Norway. There was beer, there was wine, there was the dreadful Vodka.

Alcohol always makes me dream strange, silly and incredibly real dreams.

In today’s edition, I got kicked in the face by a large moose and miraculously managed to keep all my teeth. However, I did walk around for the entire remaining time in this strange, silly and incredibly real dream with a moose’s footprint on my face, which was amusing to my dream-friends. After making sure my face had survived – in an insane and totally unpredictable turn of events – we all went for chocolate donuts in a donut shop that for reasons unknown was in the middle of nowhere, just next door to a moose-infested forest.

It was nice to be able to enjoy those delicious treats with all my teeth still in my mouth.

The First Dream of 2016 was a Nightmare

Hi, everyone.

I hope everyone had an enjoyable New Year’s Eve, that you spent time with loved ones, that you had something tasty to sink your teeth into, and that you didn’t get any fireworks exploding in the back of your head, like I got in 2005. More on that in a future post.

I celebrated NYE with the winner of a Banana. Together, we went to a Mexican restaurant and enjoyed an all-you-can-eat and all-you-can-drink kind of evening, NYE-style. I had a few mojitos and a few more margaritas. Not enough to make me drunk, but evidently enough to make me experience a deeply intense and incredibly vidid dream, which made me sleep very poorly, on the first night of the new year.

You know how sometimes your dreams are super-real, and when you wake up, it takes a few moments before you realise what you dreamt wasn’t real? Sometimes it even takes longer than a few moments to shake off the dream completely. Like you know it was a dream, but the impact of it sticks with you. Since you woke up, realised it was just a weird, yet impactful dream, you’ve even had breakfast, lunch and dinner, and you still haven’t gotten over the reality of it. That’s how real this particular dream was for me.

Like a novel, my dream starts in the middle of the action.

I’m outdoors. I’m not alone; I’m with a few others. It’s a complete storm. Almost apocalyptic. It’s raining heavily, the winds are almost tornado strong, resulting in unfathomably scary noises, it’s grey and it’s dark, and the only thing that’s giving me any source of light is the frequently recurring and intense lightning. Without it, it’d be complete darkness.

But thanks to it, we all realise that we’re in the middle of the ocean, standing on some kind of a platform. Imagine a helicopter landing pad had a baby with a raft, but in the middle of the vast, freaking ocean.

The waves are high and violent, and we’re all very upset and stressed out about something, and we absolutely have to leave the helipad and go somewhere else, for reasons I don’t know (besides being stranded on a helipad in the middle of the ocean in an apocalyptic storm, at night).

Basically, we need to get from A to B. And, as luck would have it, B is apparently just a few hundred meters away from us. Despite B also being in the middle of the ocean in an apocalyptic storm, at night, this was good news to us.

Connecting A and B is a rope. The rope is not 100% tightly tied, meaning that as soon as anyone grabs it when in the water, it drops just below the ocean surface, but somehow still high enough to keep our heads above sea level. The plan is to pull ourselves between A and B, using the rope. Swimming would result in us drowning immediately because of the Earth-ending storm.

We all get in the water. We’re maybe five guys, and I think I’m number two or three in line. I don’t have any idea who these guys are supposed to be, but in the dream, I feel like a know them. One of them, I think the guy right behind me, is the oldest of my two younger brothers.

So now we’re all in the the water. The freezing, stormy, dark and scary abyss that is the ocean. We’re maybe two meters apart, and we’re shouting things to each other, like “Hold on!”, “Don’t let go!”, “We’re almost there!”, and “Hang on, guys!”. Pep talk.

Like things couldn’t get any scarier, the lightning starts to become more violent, more massive, more intense, and more frequent. Every time lightning strikes, it lights up the entire ocean underneath, unveiling a complete freakshow of scary sea monsters, all of them lurking a few meters below our feet. Terrifying sharks, giant squids, freaky sting rays, and murderous, mushy jellyfish were only some of the creatures eyeballing us from a very close range. Remember, this dream was incredibly vidid and intense.

So we’re all kind of freaked out when we realise we’re being watched by these monsters.

The dream intensifies, and it reaches its climax when the guy behind me, aka my brother, gets stung by a sting ray, which kills him.

Now, I wake up, completely traumatised and kind of winded from what I’ve been experiencing in this dream.

I guess I’ll never find out what happens next.

                               

The impact from the dream has worn off a bit now, more than a full day since, but, believe me, shit was real yesterday.