A Wild Old Man Suddenly Appears

I’m officially a terrible human.

At least that’s how I feel.

Have you ever felt like you’ve done something that really isn’t expected from someone of your age, position or appearance?

How about if you’ve done something that checks all three of those things? You’re an adult, you have kind of a respectable job, and you can usually be seen wearing professional attire, looking all serious and shit – would those three things combined make you feel like you need to behave a certain way?

If you’re like me, I’m first of all very sorry for you, but I’m also understanding of your feelings and you’d be happy to hear that I, too, suffer from our society’s expectations of us based on their perception of how we should be, and not of how we really are.

Earlier tonight, me and my girlfriend decided to go to the gym, which we have successfully done quite regularly the latest couple of months in order to not look like two complete bums who watch the entire Lost series in a way too small amount of time.

Usually, this is our routine: we change into workout clothes, head out to the elevators, take the elevator from the 43rd to the 44th floor, walk outside, turn left and walk alongside the rooftop pool*, head up one flight of stairs to the 45th floor, enter the gym, exercise for a while, feel like Johnny Bravo, flex for a while, feel like Johnny Bravo some more, then head back home, and give ourselves a nice, warm pad on the back.

This time, however, was different.

This time, after we changed into workout clothes and headed to the elevator, but before we stepped into the elevator, something… occurred. Something unpredictable. An unforeseen development.

Since my brain is moronic and random, I got a magnificent idea. My brain decided that it’d be great fun if I started to run away from my girlfriend and beat her to the elevator, leaving her to wait for the next one.

I know, I’m hilarious and mature and a true gentleman.

This is when a higher power decided to interfere and punish me for being lame and immature and a douchebag instead of those three nice things I just mentioned.

As I was fully sprinting towards the approaching elevator and the slowly opening elevator doors, excited from my brilliant idea, A WILD OLD MAN SUDDENLY APPEARS out of nowhere.

There he was, quietly and peacefully minding his own business, surely after a long, hard day’s work, counting down the last steps before he opens his door and sets foot in his condo. As soon as the elevator doors opened, there I was, right up in his face, coming at him in full speed.

Naturally, he freaked out, made a shocked face and grunted angrily, which kind of sounded like “HAAAUGGHHH!?”, and then just cold-bloodedly stared at me while I tried my best to comfort him and apologise for my sick and childish behaviour. He then decided that he didn’t need my desperate apology and continued to stare at me in disgust while I embarrassingly entered the elevator and watched him watch me while the doors were closing oh so slowly. Had he decided to physically take me down and kick me victoriously in the stomach, no blame would be headed his way.

To sum things up, let’s establish what I have accomplished here:

I didn’t only almost succeed in physically assaulting and attacking an old man, I think I almost gave him a heart attack as a result of my sick interpretation of the concept of fun.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt like such an idiot.

              

This post was written in October (or something) and it’s been stuck in draft limbo ever since. You’d be very pleased to know that I still haven’t had to share a silent, stink-eyed, tormenting and excruciating elevator ride with this man since that night I almost killed him (and he contemplated killing me for almost killing him).

No, not that stink-eye, this stink-eye:

Could you imagine sharing a minute-long elevator ride with a man looking at you like this without ever breaking eye contact?

Although I’ve seen him around the lobby collecting his mail as I’m hiding from him behind the plants with the mosquitoes in the corners of said lobby, creepily watching him from afar, in pure fear of being confronted.

                           

* = brag

Movies, TV Shows and Anti-Me

I watched The Revenant yesterday. I liked it. But it was long. Way too long. With a 2 hour 36 minute length, I think it was at least 30 minutes overdue. That being said, it was a beautifully shot film with great performances from especially Leo DiCaprio and Tom Hardy. As usual. Oh, it was also very intense at times with painful violence. Yay!

I also recognised one of the other dudes in the movie, Domnhall Gleeson.

It’s weird.

Because I’m a nerd, I just recently googled the entire cast of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, which he was in, and that’s when I became aware of his existence and he became a blip on my nerdar. Then, a week goes by, and I discover the absolutely amazing and intensely affecting show, Black Mirror, which he was also in. Then I happen to watch Ex Machina, where he of course is the main character. As if that isn’t enough, I’m rewatching the entire Harry Potter film series with the girlfriend, since:

• I’ve only seen them once, when they first came out, making them now re-watchable
• I remember that I liked them more and more with each movie released, because they were getting darker and darker and more grownup
• My girlfriend hasn’t seen it. Or at least she thought she had, but it turned out she’d only seen the first three (out of eight). She almost roundhouse-kicked the TV when Dumbledore died. She couldn’t believe it

We just have the eighth movie left, and we’re both excited. I’ve almost forgot what happens, which is very, very exciting.

Anyway, so upon starting to watch the seventh movie yesterday, The Deathly Hallows Part 1, who the hell is there if not Domnhall Gleeson! That dude is everywhere. He’s been in 96% of things I watched since Christmas. Weird.

                 

Speaking of movies, I don’t think the Harry Potter film series is one of the best ever. It’s good enough, but not the best. I rank The Lord of the Rings higher. I rank Pulp Fiction as the greatest masterpiece ever. I think Fifty Shades of Grey was a horrible, horrible piece of cinema. I basically like all of Quentin Tarantino’s and Christopher Nolan’s movies. I am a big, big fan of American Psycho. That movie is filled with memorable, classic quotes. Despite this, HP is still an enjoyable series.

                 

Speaking of series, TV shows are apparently the shit nowadays. A good TV show today looks like a great movie did just 10 years ago in terms of visuals and effects and stuff like that. This is a result of bigger budgets which is a result of a higher demand for quality TV.

Some absolutely stellar TV shows are, in no particular order:

• Game of Thrones
• The Walking Dead
• Breaking Bad
• Mad Men

Just amazing productions. They’re all kind of different, but what they have in common, is high quality.

A show like Suits is easy to enjoy, but I have a tremendously hard time believing it when two characters can have an intense, law-riddled conversation alone in a room for 10 minutes about a painfully insolvable case, and just as they’re about to finish the last sentence, some dude or chick steps into the room with a perfectly convenient solution and saves the day. Like they’d listen to the entire conversation from the start, hiding behind the cactus in one of the corners, which they, of course, haven’t. Or when they are handed a 300-page law document, they’d casually scan the first couple of pages, and say, “of course! Why didn’t I think of this before? It’s so obvious”.

Sure, GoT and TWD are not believable because dragons, magic and zombies, yes, I’ll give you that, but they compensate for that with realism in every other way possible. I think. Kind of.

               

As you know, Norway bothers me. Not the country (well…), but my colleague and friend Norway. He bothers me because he is so anti. He’s anti me. I also respect him for that. When I believe HP gets better with each movie, he ridicules me, laughs, and says he thinks it’s the opposite. He supports the Lannisters in GoT, and especially the abusive child king, bastard Joffrey. He is also a huge fan of all the Real Housewives of-series, and was just recently on the verge of tears of happiness when he discovered the Real Housewives of Melbourne edition. He also loves Justin Bieber and One Direction and he certainly keeps up with the Kardashians.

Ugh.

          

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to return some videotapes.