Since I turned 25 two months ago, I’ve been behaving like a 90-year-old man––I stain myself when I eat, I forget things, and I have a hard time dealing with the fact that my 19-year-old brother thinks that 11AM is “early morning”.
So I was kind of unsurprised when I realized that I had forgot my Swedish SIM-card in Bangkok while I was unpacking after my flight home, leaving me with my useless Thai SIM-card and making me ache for some WIFI hotspots in order to be a sane human being.
Without major hindrance, I managed to order a new SIM for free on my phone company’s website, which arrived two days later.
When the card arrived, I inserted it, made some somersaults, and waited for miracles to happen.
No miracles happened. In fact, nothing happened.
So, once again, I turned to the phone company’s website. After fooling around a little bit clicking on all kinds of links, I managed to find a button that said “Activate SIM”. I clicked it. I waited 15 seconds. I clicked it again. I waited another 15 seconds, before I clicked it again.
“You’ve clicked too many times. Wait an hour, and then try again. Idiot.”
My hairline receded significantly upon reading that absolutely horrible message.
And when I realized that my hairline just receded, it receded again.
After I collected myself, I fooled around on their site a bit more, and chose the “chat with us” option, instead of making one of those dreadful phone calls where you’re forced to wait like a bitch for >60 minutes.
Uh-uh, not this guy, I thought, feeling smirky as hell.
After a short and non-horrible wait, the chat began after two minutes, and it unfolded kind of like this:
– CS (Customer Service): Hi! How can I help you today?
– Me: Hi! Yeah, I just inserted my SIM-card and it doesn’t work so I turned to your site, logged into My Page, tried to activate my SIM, and nothing happened, so I clicked again, and nothing happened, so I clicked again, and then it told me to wait an hour due to too many clicks, so what the hell is up with that, man? Also, how are you?
– CS: Don’t pretend like you care about me! But if you want, I can help you out with the activation of your SIM. Would that be something you’d want me do?
– Me: Yes, please.
*15 minute wait*
– Me: How’s it going?
*Another 5 minute hiatus*
– CS: I’m investigating your errand. Please be patient.
– Me: Sure, thanks.
– CS: So, you’d like me to activate your SIM right now? That is something that I can do.
– Me: YES, please.
*15 minute wait*
– Me: HEY! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
– CS: Calm down, SIM-less man. I got you by the balls.
– Me: But you said you could activate it “now”, like 30 minutes ago??!!
– CS: Yeah, you’re right. I did say that. But first, would you be so kind to answer some questions to determine that you’re you?
– Me: I am me, but sure.
*Another 5 minutes go by while this guy prepares his questions, making me suspect he’s about to drop some serious shit on me*
– CS: How much is your average bill? How long have you been a customer with us? When did you contact us the last time? Are you wearing underwear right now? If so, what kind of underwear––briefs, or boxers? Do you prefer chicken noodles or shrimp noodles? Are you the author of that lame blog no one reads? Do you also know the answers to other random things?
– Me: Yada, yada, yada.
– CS: Thank you. Bitch.
– Me: What did you say???
– CS: I said thank you.
– Me: K.
– Me: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
*Opening new chat, with some other dude*
– OD (Other Dude): Hi, what can I help you with today?
– Me: FUCKING FUCK, I JUST EXPLAINED ALL THIS TO YOUR FRIEND AND THE CHAT WAS ABORTED AND NOW I AM WAY TOO STRESSED OUT TO HAVE THIS 45 MINUTE CHAT WITH YOU ALSO, SO IF YOU COULD TALK TO THAT OTHER GUY THAT’D BE GREAT.
– OD: Alright. I’ll do that.
– Me: THANKS.
*Another 15 minutes goes by, and I am now halfway to Homer Simpson-baldness*
– OD: Are you still here?
– Me: FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, YES!
– OD: So, you want me to activate your SIM. Do you want me to do this now?
– Me: Are you fucking kidding me?!
– OD: LOL JK, I’ll activate it now. Here you go.
– Me: Cool. Go to hell.
– OD: I might go to hell, but you’re a little bitch.
– Me: It sure seems like it.
– OD: Yeah, it does. You can go now.
– Me: Okey. Bye.
– OD: Bye, bitch.
My SIM worked for 24 hours, and then it decided that I needed some more bullying sent my way by various douchebags over at Customer Service. I returned to the chat with a third dude, and after a 30-minute wait, where I felt completely sickened with myself after realizing that I am their little bitch, I tried Fix Phone 101* and solved the issue all by myself.
Now I’m not only a forgetful and stained 90-year-old man, I’m a forgetful and stained 90-year-old little bitch.
*=restart the phone.